5 Tips to finding Mr/Mrs. Right
Tip 1: Would you marry someone like you?
Going down memory lane, when I was single, I remember hearing different messages about marrying right, with different unsolicited and free advice coming my way. It was as though everyone made it an assignment to ensure I got it right. The unfortunate thing was that many of them were focused on helping me find the ‘right person’, very few were about how I could be the ‘rightperson’.
We have decided to write this series because experience shows that we attract and keep our kind of people. This is why they say that “birds of a feather flock together”. If you take a good look at your inner circle of friends, you will probably observe some similarities in your perception of the world. Hence, to attract the ‘right person’ you must be the ‘right person’. As a matter of fact, we must remind ourselves that the ‘Mr or Mrs. Right’ we are looking for is also looking for ‘Mr or Mrs. Right’.
However, before you can focus on being the right person, you must know who you are. What are your values? What makes you unique and special? What are your priorities? What experience or atmosphere do you bring into a relationship? Are you emotionally healthy? If you think of yourself as a ‘service’, what will be your customers’ experience?
ACTION POINT: Who we are is what we bring into a relationship. Hence, our focus should be understanding and improving ourselves.
Tip 2: Dump the crumbs.
When we get it right as singles, every stakeholder; our family, friends and the society would be better for it. Singlehood is not a curse, it is the meaning we attach to it that determines our experiences.
Today, we shall be focusing on neediness and desperation. These two concepts are big turn offs in relationships. If you feel incomplete, unworthy and empty, going into a relationship would probably a bad idea. It is amazing that those who need the most resources get the least, this is why beggars get crumbs. Nations with the most needs often get handouts and attract the worst human resources, while the successful ones attract the best skills and talents. Those who have, get more and those who don’t have, even the little they have will be taken from them.
Desperate and needy people often attract the worst treatment. Don’t be a burden. Why reduce your perceived value in an economy where image counts. Discover and celebrate your inner and external uniqueness and beauty. Refine what you have, bring something to the table of relationship. Give your potential spouse something to brag about.
ACTION POINT: The value you place on yourself, which is often your sense of worth, radiates through you unconsciously, enhance it. God made you special
Tip 3: Friendship first.
The love journey is an awesome one, however, if the right steps are not taken, things can quickly go wrong. For instance, we have seen singles who are so eager to get married that they say a big YES, as in the X-factor auditions, without really knowing who or what they are saying yes to. Of course, it’s not as though one can find out all about the person, but there are key things one must know. This is why we emphasise friendship.
Friendship is about enjoying each other’s company. It has nothing to do with sexual attraction. Rather, it’s an opportunity to get to know each other, understand each other’s background, values, life experiences, passions, strengths and weaknesses. One of my criteria for choosing a spouse was someone in whose presence I could be myself, express my inner thoughts, without pretence or ‘acting’.
Friendship enables you know what relationships to keep on the platonic level or the one that can move to the next level. Some things can’t be forced. Pay attention to how you feel (uncomfortable, pressured, tensed?) Pay attention to how he or she treats others. Does this person have what it takes to create the type of marriage you want? Check out his or her family. Most importantly, what is God saying about it, do you have inner peace?
ACTION POINT: Ask yourself questions. Be objective by thinking with your head.
Tip 4: How to Impress
Appearance is very important. You never get another chance to make a good first impression. However, we must not base our self-esteem on it.
Having said that, we think good appearance and packaging yourself as a single person is a subtle indication of self-respect and consideration of other people. It gives the world a hint of how you perceive yourself or better still, how you want to be perceived. On the other hand, looking shoddy and unkept, giving off all kinds of odour that make people uncomfortable, expresses disregard.
Some singles limit themselves by focusing only on their character at the expense of their appearance, thereby, creating a situation wherein potential Mr./Mrs. Right gets turned off before saying the first word. Even advertisers understand the power of visuals. This explains why they invest so much in designing very appealing product packages. As a matter of fact, most manufacturers build aesthetics into their products from the onset.
Are you shortchanging yourself by neglecting your appearance? Does your presence and attitude attract or repel? Would people want to see more of you? Do you inspire excellence?
ACTION POINT: Perception is important. Many excellent books gather dust on the shelves because of poor packaging. Repackage yourself and work on your attitude.
Tip 5: Sex Talk
‘Sex sells’ is a major acronym in marketing. In other words, it draws attention and changes the intensity of conversations. Sometimes, it can be compared to electricity; powerful energy for industrial progress. However, it can have devastating impact when safety standards are not adhered to.
When singles bring sex into their relationship they change its dynamics. Sex is a multifaceted experience, it’s like the iceberg and often times, the part we observe is the tip, not the base which is bigger. One aspect we are often not aware of is that Sex is spiritual, it involves the mingling of two souls, with everything in it (thoughts, emotions, experiences,…). This explains why some people suffer from soul ties and experiences they can’t trace their causes.
More so, sex often blinds people to potential red flags about their spouses until they get into marriage. There are important discussions and questions that should be asked, investigations that should be done before walking down the aisle. If you are engaging in sex with your unmarried partner, you may be setting yourself up for heartaches. If you start today, why should your spouse trust you not to do it with someone else after marriage?
ACTION POINT: A city without borders is in danger. Set boundaries around your relationship. Don’t ruin the foundation of marital trust.
Chidi & Victor Akunna