Sometimes, life can be complex, overwhelming and confusing, particularly when we do not have the relevant skills to navigate through the different demands thrown at us in each phase. However, one thing we know for sure is that our present reality is a reflection of our inner fears, dispositions, thoughts and beliefs. This is probably one of the most powerful predictors of marital outcomes.
We have seen individuals who blame their spouses for all their marital woes, but after probing deeper, it turned out those individuals had intense (emotional) mental images from their parents’ relationship, which were subtly ‘projected’ to their spouses, while also carrying out behaviours that create chaotic marital conditions. This is also the case with some singles.
A good example is a case we handled. This individual kept stepping in and out of relationships, engaging ladies and giving incoherent excuses for breaking up. After probing deeper, it was discovered that he had inner conflict, a part of him wanted the benefits of a fulfilling relationship, but on the other hand, he did not want to repeat his parents’ experience of a failed relationship. This inner conflict prevented him from walking down the aisle with any lady, despite all the information he had about making a relationship work.
What then is the way out? There are many strategies, but for the sake of this write up, we would suggest two.
1. See a coach or a therapist, particularly one with skills in neurolinguistic programming, to walk you through this challenge in order to develop a solution.
2. Use your emotional intelligence (self-awareness) to track these negative thoughts using a set of questions to challenge them. Here are some questions you can use:
a. What are your convictions about marriage?
b. What evidence do you have to support them?
c. How old is your evidence?
d. What has having these convictions cost you?
e. If you no longer hold these convictions, what possibilities could happen in your relationships?
f. What if the opposite was true?
g. What needs to happen for you to change these convictions?
h. What can you do to begin the journey of changing these convictions?
i. What would your future look like if you were to let go of these convictions?
j. What are you going to do to internalize your new empowering convictions?
Most times, our marriage is a reflection of our inner state. To change the external reality, we must make internal adjustments. For further help in this area, please inbox me.
You are Great!
Photo: Emily-rose
Chidi & Victor Akunna
Foundation For Family Affairs
www.foundationforfamilyaffairs.org
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