DAY 1: Unlearn: My Way or The Highway!
According to Macmillan dictionary, to unlearn means “to change the way that you have learned to think or do things, usually because that way is not good or useful.” This sounds simple, but I am sure that your experience tells you that it is not. Learning is easy, especially when you do not have a prior concept of a thing, but having to unlearn a concept, after years of living and acting on it, can be difficult. Entrenched habits can be challenging to change.
There are husbands who grew up learning warped concepts about women from their fathers and authority figures around them. Some even learnt to physically abuse women as a way of keeping them ‘under control’. Demanding that they unlearn these thought patterns that have formed neurological pathways in the brain, become their convictions and beliefs, is tough. However, the price of growth is change. Nobody makes progress while remaining the same. If your relationship or marital romance is not what you desire, rather than pointing accusing fingers at your spouse, start with yourself. Lasting change comes from within.
Are you busy defending your beliefs/convictions, rather than opening your minds to new possibilities? Are you more interested in being right as opposed to moving your marriage forward?
ACTION POINT: Take a critical look at the trouble spots in your marriage and make effort to examine your core beliefs. Are they really serving you? Are they outdated?. More so, get and read books on marriage, unlearn old habits.
DAY 2: Unlearn: Chemistry Factor!
Yesterday, we started a series on the importance of unlearning old habits, thought patterns and behaviours that hurt our marriages. Today, we shall be taking it further.
‘Chemistry’ in marriage and relationship is very important, it keeps the heart warm and passionate, boosts romance and aids conflict resolution. However, marital romance is not only about ‘chemistry’, it is misleading when people equate marital romance to ‘chemistry’. As a matter of fact, some people believe that something is wrong when you have to work on your marriage, they believe that as long as you marry the right person – your soulmate – things will naturally flow.
In real life, sometimes, the person who brings you the most happiness could also ‘be’ the source of your greatest discomfort. This is because marriage is a full package, it has many sides and functions. You can’t be married and remain the same. For instance, if you are extremely independent and used to having your way 90% of the time, you will have to unlearn that habit because marriage will teach you compromise, negotiation and accountability. If you are the type that is quick to jump out of relationships after the ‘honeymoon’ phase, marriage will teach you endurance and staying power. The challenge is that couples who pray for an awesome marriage sometimes refuse to adapt and unlearn old habits. If your ‘romance boat’ is sinking, you may need to jettison some habits to stay afloat.
Are your old habits jeopardising your marital romance? Is the cost of unlearning really greater than the cost of a happy marriage?
ACTION POINT: Everything worthwhile deserves a ‘fight’ to keep. Make a list of the sacrifices you must make and things to unlearn and then get to work!
DAY3: Unlearn: Family Advice!
There was a man (Travis) who inherited his family business at the demise of his father. It was the tradition in the family for the next generation to take over the helm of affairs, after years of grooming and learning from the lowest rung of the organisational ladder. However, Travis never involved his wife in the scheme of things, his dad advised himagainst it earlier on, probably because his own wife left their marriage.
On the other hand, Travis’ wife could not be bothered as long as he was bringing home the money, she did not want a part in the ‘family politics’. Unfortunately, when her husband passed on unexpectedly, her world came crashing down. She knew little about the partners, the suppliers, the business, etc. Every piece of advice seemed right, every direction looked right. She eventually got consultants to manage things for her, while learning. However, this was a very expensive alternative, with staff of the consulting firm leaving to become a competition.
There are pieces of advice we may have received from authority figures in our lives. Some of them, though inappropriate, were given out of pain, fear and the desire to ‘protect’. Hence, wisdom demands that you unlearn many of them, if your family is to make progress.
ACTION POINT: What wrong advice are you still running with? Are you aware that some advice are for a time and season? Audit your thoughts and identify what to unlearn.
DAY4: Unlearn: No Point Trying!
Yesterday, we discussed about unlearning some family advice that no longer serves you or your family. Today, we would be looking at unlearning learned helplessness.
Once upon a time, a young Elephant was captured in Africa during a raid. Every night it will shake the tree, pull its leg with the chains around it, but because the trunk of the tree was much stronger, every effort yielded no result. Eventually, years after, the Elephant accepted or better still, learned that he could not escape. Even when the tree was cut down and nothing particularly held the Elephant, its captors will travel kilometres to town and return to find the Elephant on the same spot. This is called ‘learned helplessness’.
This same situation happens to couples in marriage. When they see their parents’ marriage come apart, and their own marriage seemingly progressing along the same path – a path they know too well, a path marked with childhood memories of mum and dad having endless rows – they begin to learn that marriage is a mistake. They conclude that marriage never works and people claiming to have a great marriage are either misleading people or ‘soulmates’; the anomalies. God never sets up anything to fail and this includes marriage.
Have you ‘learned’ that your marriage will fail? Are you saying you have tried everything, what if you are doing the wrong thing? Can a man heading towards the South arrive at the North, even though he is moving at 250mph?
ACTION POINT: Make a list of things you have stopped trying to change. Probe deeply to uncover thoughts that must be changed.
DAY5: Unlearn: You Must Meet My Needs!
Today, we shall be concluding the series on unlearning by discussing entitlement mindset. We hope it has been impactful.
According to Oxford dictionary, the word ‘entitlement’ means “the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.” Couples who come into marriage with this mindset often have a bloated sense of self and unrealistic expectations of their spouses, which drives them to making endless demands. This, sometimes, can only be compared to new generation servitude.
Harry has a similar experience. He got married to someone from a wealthy family; his wife, Janet, is an only child. He is hard working and enterprising, constantly growing and improving himself. His goal is to achieve relevance and make a name for himself in his community. However, doing this has been a challenge because he has to constantly run errands, step out of meetings to receive her calls, or align his schedule to her parents’, whenever they need him; sometimes, for days at a stretch. She can sit on a couch all evening, sending everyone around her to accomplish different tasks, including her husband, Harry.
Marriage is an institution where people serve each other. Hence, we must unlearn an entitlement mindset. As a matter of fact, you may not go far if you are constantly making demands and thinking of what to get, without adding commensurate value. Relationship without value is parasitic!
ACTION POINT: Make plans to think of what value to add to people’s lives. When you win their hearts, they will offer their hands.
Chidi & Victor Akunna
Relationship Catalysts
Definitely, what a fantastic blog and informative posts, I surely will bookmark your site.Best Regards!
Thank you Kay, we appreciate your feedback! 🙂