Love Didn’t Fail, It Just Wasn’t Enough l Victor Akunna

When I was younger, I believed love was the fuel that would carry a marriage forever. If two people loved each other deeply, everything else would somehow fall into place. Life, of course, laughed kindly at that assumption.

Fourteen years into marriage, I sometimes look at my wife and smile, not because she has changed for the worse, but because she has changed so much. The woman I married is still there, same core values, same beliefs, same heart. Yet, in many ways, she feels like a brand new spouse. Her needs are different. Her capacity is different. Her exposure to life, ideas, and possibilities has expanded. ..and so has mine.

Marriage, I have learned, is not static. It is more like trying to refuel a plane mid air. While you are still learning what your spouse needs and how to meet those needs, life shifts. New seasons arrive. Growth happens. Pressure reveals things you did not know were there. What worked years ago may no longer work today.

That is why love alone is not enough to enjoy an intimate marriage. Love matters deeply, but it must be supported by emotional health, curiosity, and skill. You must know your spouse’s needs and keep learning them. And just when you think you have figured it out, those needs may evolve again.

There is a quote by John Gottman that says, “the measure of a marriage is not how quickly problems appear, but how well the couple learns to solve them together”. Life brings challenges and opportunities, and in those moments, you do not just need a loving spouse, you need a capable one.

You need a spouse you can coach and be coached by. One you can counsel and pray with. Someone you can connect with, network with, and solve problems alongside.

This is why I often say, marry your type. Marry someone suitable for your life’s journey. Do not marry someone else’s spouse and then complain about who they are. The very things you criticise may be the gems others are looking for. Like they say in local palance, “one man’s meat, is another man’s poison “

Marriage works best when both individuals bring something to the table; not perfection, but growth, effort, and readiness. The goal is fit, not fantasy. Best fit, not perfect match.

In my next post, I will share my personal journey to’walking down the aisle’, and I may include how others have done the same with far less stress than you can imagine.

The Victor Akunna

Foundation for Family Affairs